Gay dating/Hookup Apps: their negative affect on gay and bisexual society, relationships, and sexual activity.

What are Grindr, Scruff, Adam4Adam, and Growlr? Ask any gay or bisexual man and they will say these are must-have applications for the actively gay man. These applications and websites, almost more shocking and dirty than bars and clubs, are the places gay and bisexual men meet for dating and casual sex, or hooking up. These applications convince men they have a window into the entire gay community; in reality, these applications provide a repetitive and desensitizing view of it. Men who become obsessed with these applications begin to view potential partners in narrow fields such as height, physique, hair, the look on someone’s face, skin color, and sexual position. Names and labels abound; top, bottom, twink, bear, otter, daddy, boy, jock, queen, polar bear, sissy, leather, military, etc. Members are given daily allowances on the blocking of other members; which, they use specifically to block undesirable men. In a dating world where the mere look on someone’s face could cause them to be blocked, many men create faceless profiles; headless torsos lacking in as much personality and substance as the sex they are commonly after. 

So, why do men go to these applications? Is it because they are lacking means to meet other gay men? Yes. Is it because all other gay men seem to be using these applications? Yes. Are they afraid they will miss “Mr. Right” by not using them? Yes. Are they lonely whilst these applications provide attention from desirable men? Definitely, yes. A sad and discouraging fact about the men using these applications is they are struggling to find closeness, in one form or another, with other men. Being gay creates some obstacles in finding a partner. It can be quite difficult to tell if other men are gay or straight. Society is coming closer to a day and age where asking another man whether or not he is gay is less of a concern; however, society has not reached that point yet. Gay men often fear for their safety and the safety of their reputation, fear that gives yet another reason to hide behind a faceless picture and insubstantial text. In fact, the most obvious explanation for the continued use of these applications is fear. Some fears pertain to personal situations; however, most are fears the majority of mankind share, a fear of being alone, of being undesirable, of being out of the norm. 

            It is a common belief that all the men on these applications are looking for sex, and with all the half-naked profiles it is hard not to agree. Many men in the gay community believe a recently out gay man passes through a phase they call their “whore phase.” This “whore phase” can be explained. Often times gay men have suppressed their emotions and desires for years, and go through an “adult puberty” of sorts. During this late in life puberty, men are barraged by requests to meet and hook up. They become accustomed to having a new partner on an almost regular basis. This can be detrimental to future relationships and sexual intimacy. Men find themselves keeping their dating applications open although they have committed themselves to a man; sometimes, leading them to cheat. The attention and excitement these applications provide can be almost addictive. Some partners will begin to advertise as a couple; often times, as a means to satisfy one partner’s promiscuity. A true story of one couple, Jason and Chad, started their relationship on Adam4Adam, a site explicitly for hooking up and casual sex. Jason was very young at the time, and was easily influenced by Chad and the online hook up community. They eventually moved in with each other and created a life. The truth was Jason had fallen for Chad, despite a relationship founded on something as insubstantial as sex. Unfortunately, Chad’s influence on Jason kept him a part of the hook up world. Chad would find men from Adam4Adam and bring them home so he and Jason could have casual sex with them. This was a common occurrence for Jason and Chad. What Jason did not know, was that Chad knowingly brought men home that had tested positive for HIV. Eventually, Jason found out the partner he loved was exposing him to HIV. When Jason found out the utter disregard Chad had for his life and health, broken hearted, he left Chad. By some blessing, Jason did not contract HIV from any of his partners. 

            Jason deleted his accounts saying, “They are too much of a temptation. They make it easy to fall back into that lifestyle. I hope someone can learn by my experience rather than their own to just never get involved with them.” This story has been repeated, and will be repeated, over and over again, maybe not by Jason, but by other men. Gay men need to find strength and confidence in themselves. These applications rob them of the human experience and create a depressing world of half seen faces and meaningless one night stands. Alternatives would be making friends, joining a club or interest group, going to the book store, reading at a coffee shop, fighting fear and asking someone out to coffee,  joining a sports group, and signing up for a website that is clean and designated for dating. There are a ton of alternatives, the best one being friends. Making new friends provides someone with a vast array of resources, even dating resources. 

             These men need to delete their applications and website accounts, embrace a new kind of experience. Initially, deleting these applications and website accounts can be disheartening. Men may feel as though they have given up on finding love. However, they have just embraced a new experience capable of producing real love and have turned their backs on the sham provided by Adam4Adam, Grindr, Scruff, and all the other repulsive applications.  They are choosing to believe in themselves and not buy into the fears of a community. The new experiences they share with partners will have meaning and depth. With time these applications will become something of the past and not necessary tools for the gay community. The community will grow stronger and reflect the values they innately carry-friendship, acceptance, and love.