So, why do men go to
these applications? Is it because they are lacking means to meet other gay men?
Yes. Is it because all other gay men seem to be using these applications? Yes.
Are they afraid they will miss “Mr. Right” by not using them? Yes. Are they
lonely whilst these applications provide attention from desirable men? Definitely,
yes. A sad and discouraging fact about the men using these applications is they
are struggling to find closeness, in one form or another, with other men. Being
gay creates some obstacles in finding a partner. It can be quite difficult to
tell if other men are gay or straight. Society is coming closer to a day and
age where asking another man whether or not he is gay is less of a concern;
however, society has not reached that point yet. Gay men often fear for their
safety and the safety of their reputation, fear that gives yet another reason
to hide behind a faceless picture and insubstantial text. In fact, the most
obvious explanation for the continued use of these applications is fear. Some
fears pertain to personal situations; however, most are fears the majority of
mankind share, a fear of being alone, of being undesirable, of being out of the
norm.
It
is a common belief that all the men on these applications are looking for sex,
and with all the half-naked profiles it is hard not to agree. Many men in the
gay community believe a recently out gay man passes through a phase they call
their “whore phase.” This “whore phase” can be explained. Often times gay men
have suppressed their emotions and desires for years, and go through an “adult
puberty” of sorts. During this late in life puberty, men are barraged by
requests to meet and hook up. They become accustomed to having a new partner on
an almost regular basis. This can be detrimental to future relationships and
sexual intimacy. Men find themselves keeping their dating applications open
although they have committed themselves to a man; sometimes, leading them to
cheat. The attention and excitement these applications provide can be almost
addictive. Some partners will begin to advertise as a couple; often times, as a
means to satisfy one partner’s promiscuity. A true story of one couple, Jason
and Chad, started their relationship on Adam4Adam, a site explicitly for
hooking up and casual sex. Jason was very young at the time, and was easily
influenced by Chad and the online hook up community. They eventually moved in
with each other and created a life. The truth was Jason had fallen for Chad,
despite a relationship founded on something as insubstantial as sex. Unfortunately,
Chad’s influence on Jason kept him a part of the hook up world. Chad would find
men from Adam4Adam and bring them home so he and Jason could have casual sex
with them. This was a common occurrence for Jason and Chad. What Jason did not
know, was that Chad knowingly brought men home that had tested positive for
HIV. Eventually, Jason found out the partner he loved was exposing him to
HIV. When Jason found out the utter disregard Chad had for his life and health,
broken hearted, he left Chad. By some blessing, Jason did not contract HIV from
any of his partners.
Jason
deleted his accounts saying, “They are too much of a temptation. They make it
easy to fall back into that lifestyle. I hope someone can learn by my
experience rather than their own to just never get involved with them.” This
story has been repeated, and will be repeated, over and over again, maybe not
by Jason, but by other men. Gay men need to find strength and confidence in
themselves. These applications rob them of the human experience and create a
depressing world of half seen faces and meaningless one night stands.
Alternatives would be making friends, joining a club or interest group, going
to the book store, reading at a coffee shop, fighting fear and asking someone
out to coffee, joining a sports group,
and signing up for a website that is clean and designated for dating. There are
a ton of alternatives, the best one being friends. Making new friends provides
someone with a vast array of resources, even dating resources.
These men need to delete their applications
and website accounts, embrace a new kind of experience. Initially, deleting
these applications and website accounts can be disheartening. Men may feel as
though they have given up on finding love. However, they have just embraced a
new experience capable of producing real love and have turned their backs on
the sham provided by Adam4Adam, Grindr, Scruff, and all the other repulsive
applications. They are choosing to
believe in themselves and not buy into the fears of a community. The new
experiences they share with partners will have meaning and depth. With time
these applications will become something of the past and not necessary tools
for the gay community. The community will grow stronger and reflect the values they
innately carry-friendship, acceptance, and love.
